Things People Don’t Tell You About Pregnancy

I’ve been pretty lucky thus far with the burden I bear, and I’m really grateful for it. The little ‘un is already taking after (his) parents and showing an aggressive streak (more on this below. He also seems to have a general sense of humour. I haven’t lost half my body weight (damn!) from nausea. My belly button is still comfortably hollow. The following are things I didn’t realise or anticipate. Some are good, some are gag-worthy, most are probably unique to me.

1. Co-ordination is incredibly hard
I put this down to things distending and extending at a horrific rate. In my case, this was evidenced when I accidentally shut (a) boob in the bathroom door. Ouch.

2. At first, men check you out…
When I was working my way up to the halfway mark, I noticed people staring and smiling a lot. These were normally men. I’m still confused by this and it may have been something to do with Christmas and other festivals around the time, but I’m choosing to believe in bright sides.

3. Until the women start to look revolted
After the halfway mark, I suddenly became huge. The Hubs was using terms like “bowling”, “big top” and “rotund”… to comfort me. Women walking by started to stare at my middle and look revolted. Thankfully, this is HK, so I was generally able to stare at their clothing and laugh.

4. The sleepless nights don’t wait for baby
Oh no.. if it’s not needing to pee, it’s random leg cramps. If it’s not random leg cramps, it’s the sexy sounding Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction. Admittedly, the latter doesn’t hit only at night, but can sneak up on you in meetings, forcing you to jump out of your seat while maintaining your game face.

5. People don’t judge you for wine-drinking as much as you think
I’ve had many tell me a glass of red a night is acceptable, and most people here seem comfortable with my mantra of one a week. Admittedly, there is time to go yet, and I am showing now. I have, however, been told off for eating unpeeled fruit, spicy food and drinking coffee.

6. Babies hate their fathers
The first time I felt the alien move, it was when I tried to cuddle the Hubs. The Hubs is pretty warm and I think perhaps alien didn’t like it. He didn’t like something anyway, because all of a sudden there were little punches that even the Hubs could even feel on his back.

Since then, the alien has tried to kick back against ultrasounds, dopplers and the Hubs.

7.Maternity dresses are confusing
This is particularly true of the wraps. There are just so many loops and gaps, and so much material! It sometimes is worse than the bottle-in-a-wooden-puzzle Christmas gift I once received.

8.Everyday activities are hazardous
For example, yesterday I pushed through the MTR turnstiles belly first, only to be reminded that they were designed for small Cantonese people as they smacked me on the behind on the way through.

A second, borrowed example is when a relative went to the gym, only to be wedged into the gym equipment, which then had to be dismantled around her. She suspended her membership the next day.

9. Elizabeth Taylor (RIP) did it
I never saw Elizabeth Taylor as the maternal type, but if she could stomach it, than goddamnit, so can I.