**cringe**

Tonight I went to London Cringe, which is essentially a night where people read from their teenage diaries and MY GOD it is brilliant. The majority of the readers are women, which is unsurprising. Two of the three male readers were of the port out starboard home variety, and the other a gay Geordie. Talk about transcending the class divide in Britain. One read about his boarding school experience and eventual first girlfriend at Uppingham, the other provided insight into the teenage male psyche with readings from a diary that was 80% football statistics, 14% schoolyard football victories, 3% girls and 3% friends. The forty year old Geordie took us back to when skin tight canvas trousers were the in thing and told of how he had proudly left the house in them only to find they were so tight he couldn't get his bus money out of the pocket.

Two girls from Norwich opened the night, and I actually recognised one of the characters in their tale as a friend of a guy I dated, Aaron. God, I wonder what became of him. He was sweet. I realise that's akin to saying he was damned. Still. Nervy. I asked her after and she didn't know what had become of him. I wonder if this is the beginnings of a facebook stalk. Tricky since I no longer remember his last name. Shocking.

Most of the stories read were fron when people were thirteen or so. I fancy that my diaries of the time would have been somewhat different. In my warped recollection, 1993 was not a great year for me. I had just started secondary school and felt like a perpetual failure. I wasn't pretty enough, or cool (enough or at all). It was actually my make or break year. That year I went on the Creative Arts Programme, and was tasked with writing something to include the immortal lines "and it was a chicken". Most people wrote haikus or plays. Syntaxfree and I wrote an immensely sexualised epic poem that I think we actually submitted. It featured cameos from every A lister at the time (I distinctly remember a Keanu Reeves/Speed reference). The year after that I got streamed into the dumber-kids class at school and decided academics weren't my future.

Anyhow, the readers last night were aged between 25 and 40. The direct quotes from their teenage diaries included lines like, "Connecting sex and love, that's where all the problems start", "What's the difference between a dick and a vagina?" (from a 13 year old Catholic school girl) and "he was so sexy, a mix of X, X, X and Alan Johnson". There was the Bromley love story, on which a date involved simulated rape in bushes, and a birthday party where someone was given six beers (a six-pack, then?). I can't possibly do it enough justice here, since so much of the humour lay in the horror and self depreciation of the readers, but it was absolutely brilliant. Even better, it was free! Who says a good time can't be had for the price of a beer in London?!

Smug Marrieds

I'm a firm believer that no one ever understands another persons relationships, but thought I'd give some insight into the side of the Hubs and I that not everyone sees.

[when helping AGL move this weekend, based on an absolute determination to do the move in two trips, and while trying to squeeze an extra box into an already full car]
SF: I feel like a jellybean in a jar, how many do you think there are?
Hubs: This is like reverse childbirth.

***

[while watching X Factor, the only reality show worth watching. Shakira is one of the guest stars this week, and we both agree that she is hot as fuck (no other way to put it)]

SF: I think she's a smart kind of hot, though you can't tell that from her latest video. Have you seen it?
Hubs: No. Does it have animal shapes in clouds?
SF: Well, there is an animal reference...
*I cue it up and we watch it*
*I watch his jaw drop*
SF: You alright, hubs?
Hubs: She could be a stripper with that talent.
SF: I'm sure that's what Shakira aspires to.

***

[Having watched the first X Factor results that we agreed with, on hearing the announcement that Mariah Carey is on next weekend]
SF: You know we're not here next weekend
Hubs: Can we watch it the second we're back? Mimimimimimimimimimi...
SF: OK but OH MY GOD never teach that method to our kids.

Victim of Prolepsis

Prolepsis was my word for the day two days ago, which is sort of fitting, given that I had this conversation with the man who is about to become my future manager.

MAN: I was thinking...
MAN: And this isn't about you, but ...
SF: You should know that that line that preceeds the end of any functioning relationship.
MAN: ... I think this might be too big a job for one person.
SF: You do know I haven't started, right?

What links Trading and 90s rap?

Extracted from an online chat through a well known data vendor, which records all conversations and is an approved forum for the negotiation and confirmation of trades.

SF: Just sent an MOC basket. 50 names, XXXX shares. XXX sell is LONG.
Counterparty: and strong! and bound to get the friction on!
SF: Don't ever compare me to the rest, they'll all get sliced and diced, competition's paying the price

This is what all those years of education gets

Gumball 3000

On our way back from meeting our new nephew, the Hubs and I got stuck behind some cars that seemed to be heading back from the Gumball rally. The cars were obviously meant to be cool, in so far as anything with a license plate like this can be


... especially when driven by a 40 year old.

Things Not To Say At Work 1

SF: do you know who replaced Jared in currency structuring
K: ah, let me think
K: Steve is looking into the books now
SF: darling?
K: starling, yes
SF: like in silence of the lambs, cool
K: exactly
K: also that frightening
SF: girls think he's sexy!
SF: Hannibal, that is.. not buffalo bill

***

UPDATE: Apparently one of those days. This is between my friend and her trading manager.

TM: I don't care if you don't like listening to bullshit, at least let me finish..
Friend: I don't like listening to bullshit

Meant to Be

Email from the Hubs:

Subject: Bad flashbacks from last night's work party

- Having a dance off with another guy from my office, only to realise I was losing – so I decided to bring out the running man to regain control…
- Getting annoyed with the DJ when he wouldn’t play enough Prince
- Requesting Tiffany twice!
- Starting an air guitar competition
- Hitting my head on the chandelier jumping to Nirvana
...

Not good, a lot of people have been walking past my desk and just smiling… to themselves

NC-16

SF: Sometimes I wish you would do me like you didn't love me
Hubs: But I do love you
SF: Well, park it.

... Fierce

SF: I think you should go to Beyonce's concert instead of me, you'd love it
Hubs: Who's going?
SF: [2 pregnant girls and 3 non-pregnant girls]
Hubs: I'm not going with a bunch of girls, people will think I'm gay!
SF: Or a Mormon.

NSFW

Extracted from a workplace email:

"(With regard to the Power of Attoney), I'm a bit concerned by the "KNOW ALL MEN BY THESE PRESENTS:" line. It makes me feed dirty"

Want some?

The Hubs and I went shopping after work this evening for prophylactics (guess where I learned that word?). Grabbing something innocuous to act as a cover, we headed over to the appropriate shelf, only to find it wanting. My sister picks this moment to call me, and I wander off to an area with better reception. I can see Hubs out of the corner of my eye, walking laps of the shelves as though the object of his desire will suddenly materialise.

I head back to him just as he cracks and asks the Cheery Pharmacist for help.

...
CP: there might be some out back, we're taking a delivery of stock at the moment.
SF: oh, that's ok, I'm kinda tired anyhow
CP, straight faced: do you have a headache?
SF: yes, and my hair really needs washing.
CP,SF: *giggling*
Hubs: *grunt* I think it's worth a look.
CP, to me: do you find it difficult to manage his expectations?
SF: it can take some doing.

She goes off to look and comes back filled with promise.
CP: I'll just get some scissors, there're about 50 boxes out back.
Hubs: I'll take 'em!
CP, to me: I guess you need more time to work on it...

For Our Health

My friends and I often discuss things in the news. Here’s an example of us discussing something newsworthy from the BBC. It’s taken from a chat on an instant messaging service, so if you’re not a dab hand at that, it could be complex to follow. I love the way we do the math(s).

SF: Professor Roger Corder, author of The Red Wine Diet, would disagree.
"Our research identified a group of chemicals called procyanadins which are polyphenols, and the key component in terms of protecting from heart disease."

Polyphenols, such as the antioxidant resveratrol, are found in the skins of red wine grapes.

"In high doses it does seem to enhance the lifespan of mice. But," he adds crucially, "you need huge doses."

In humans, it equates to thousands of litres of wine.

SF: for our health!
Bel: thousands of litres!
SF: yay!
Bel: i think we can do that
SF: I think we probably have, lol
Bel: what time period do you need to do that in?
SF: doesn't say but I'll assume a lifetime
Bel: oh that’s way easy
SF: so theoretically, a bottle a day over 6 years would qualify
SF: I reckon I'm there
SF: adjusting for binge nights, etc
SF: wonder if puking means it doesn't count
Bel: probably not, but that doesn’t happen too often, just puts you back a few bottles

Not A Sound On The Pavement

A friend from school, Iceni, has been transcribing his journals from the time and is kindly sharing them with me. Here are some accounts of things I said. Behold the wisdom and serenity of my life in 1998, from his perspective.

Everything to look for in a man
"I started going out with him because I was really impressed with how brainy he was. Perhaps that’s a funny thing to be impressed by, but that’s just me.”

Honesty isn't always the best policy
In English this morning Dr. Banks allotted us a fresh set of chapters from ‘A Passage to India’, which we spent (or pretended to spend) the lesson preparing. Towards the end he had a sudden thought and asked,

“What do you read?” to the class in general. Silence, naturally. He narrowed the question and addressed it to one individual.

“SF, how long does it take you to read a book?”

“A day.”

“A day?”

“Yes, sir.”

“What, an average book of three hundred pages?”

“I read very fast, sir.”

“What have you read in the last week then?”

She rattled off a list; I hadn’t heard of any of them, by the way.

“Well,” said Dr. Banks, “that puts to shame anyone who says they haven’t got enough time to do some reading.”

"I did have to push some of my work out of the way in order to do it.” She added.

Hypocrisy
SF did not seem inclined to any serious topic of conversation. She spotted a German out of the window. “Do you know how much he smokes? Germans smoke like chimneys. It’s such a disgusting habit. I might do it, but I still think it’s a disgusting habit. His lungs must look like a road before the gravel’s laid down."

Foresight
After history this morning I had met SF on the stairs. “I’m going to be ill, very ill this afternoon so I won’t be at your dad’s lesson. See you tomorrow!”

Depth
(Iceni's father, one of my former teachers) gave us half of the lesson, the latter half, to work on any other work we might have. I produced my imitation of Ted Hughes and made a few corrections.

“Can I have a look at that?”

“Certainly.”

She read it. “That’s really good; mine’s about a vindictive bunny rabbit.”

“Yes. It’s rather difficult, since we’re not given the choice of whether we happen to agree with Ted Hughes’ view of nature.”

Cleanliness is Godliness

A colleague of mine just got back from the nastiness that is HK (hey, I'm from Singapore, there was never going to be love) and was talking about how much of a pain in the ass it is to go on work trips to countries where you have to tip for everything.

A: Yeah, like the chambermaid. Every day that they cleaned the room I'd have to tip them in case a different person was on that day. When I was at the Hilton they put me in a twin room, so I'd sleep in one bed one night and put the Do Not Disturb sign up the next day so they wouldn't clean the room. Then I'd sleep in the next bed the next night before letting them clean the room up. Two for one value!

I thought Singaporeans were kiasu . I guess it's spread to Australia!

"So, Ineffable," I ask, "how would you like half of this out of date cod that I've just managed to burn?"
Ineffable - "sure!"